Friday, February 20, 2009

To The Guy In Front Of Me At The Annuals Concert Tonight...

Were you shitting your pants the entire time?

Seriously, I understand if you let a fart or two escape -- you may be thinking it won't smell, people won't notice, I can get away with it. But at some point during nearly every song tonight, you literally smelled like shit.
It was annoying enough that you kept leaving and coming back, leaving and coming back. Every time I was hoping you would be going to go relieve yourself, but then you'd come back, shove yourself past me with another drink for your friends, or a Corona for yourself. And then you'd start dancing, your greasy hair flopping around in front of my face, and sure enough, a silent and invisible odor would permeate behind you.

I know it was you. When you left for another beer mid-fart, the stench trailed behind you, wafting into the nostrils of everyone you passed. I was not the only one that smelled it.

Perhaps you have a medical condition? Did you need to change your man diapers? Maybe your long intestine is diseased? Anal leakage? I'd rather not ponder the malfunctions of your lower GI, but lord knows I could not pay attention to the concert. And it was my favorite band, asshole.

So please, for the sake of the poor, unsuspecting schmuck who happens to stand behind you at your next concert, or at the store, or who shares a car with you, don't forget to take regular dumps. Maybe treat yourself to a colonic. I hear they are very refreshing. 

I am just glad this photo of you is not scratch-and-sniff.

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