Friday, February 27, 2009

A Haiku For Carla From Top Chef

So you did not win.
You're the Top Chef of my heart.
Hootie Hoo, girlfriend!

Monday, February 23, 2009

An Oscar Blog Post, One Last Addendum


An Oscar Blog Post, Addendum

So I sucked it up on my Oscar picks below. I totally ripped off Nate Silver's picks for the major categories, which was not the best idea. He totally pegged the election with his fancy computer models this year on his amazing blog,, so I thought he would successfully mathmatecize his way through the Oscars.


But I thought the Oscars were great this year. Hugh Jackman was wonderful. The set-up of the stage, with all the great actors crammed to the front semi-circling the main podium, somehow made the entire thing more intimate. I was impressed and hope they keep it up.

And lastly, I should note that contrary to my previous post, Kate Winslet was nominated (and won) for The Reader and not Revolutionary Road. Pardon me while I go wipe this mud off my face.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

An Oscar Blog Post... Yeah Yeah, I Know

I used to make it a rule to see all of the Best Picture nominees before the Oscar telecast.  This year, I am 3 for 5 (sorry Frost/Nixon and The Reader).  So take my Oscar predictions below with the finest grain of salt...

Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler
Best Actress: Kate Winslett, Revolutionary Road
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger, Dark Knight
Best Supporting Actress: Taraji P. Henson, Benjamin Button
Best Director: Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
Best Original Screenplay: Milk
Best Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Cinematography: Slumdog Millionaire
Best Editing: Dark Knight
Best Art Direction: Benjamin Button
Best Costume Design: Duchess
Best Make-Up: Benjamin Button
Best Original Score: Wall-E
Best Song: "Jai Ho", Slumdog Millionaire
Best Sound: Wall-E
Best Sound Editing: Dark Knight
Best Visual Effects: Benjamin Button
Best Animated Film: Wall-E
Best Foreign Film: Waltz With Bashir
Best Documentary: Man On Wire
Best Documentary Short: The Witness from the Balcony of Room 306
Best Animated Short: Presto
Best Live Action Short: Spieleugland

I feel entirely unsure about 85% of my picks, but it is not like anyone really has any idea.  There will always be some sort of unexpected win (or at least I hope so -- Hugh Jackman can only make the show as un-boring as one man can do).  

Of course, there is a very easy way to make the Oscars un-boring.  Drinking game!  If you want to play along, here are possible rules: 

Every time music plays during an acceptance speech: 1 drink
If the winner keeps talking, and they cut to a super-wide shot so they can shoo the winner(s) off stage: 2 drinks
If the person tells the orchestra to stop playing over their speech: 3 drinks, cause that shit is just rude.  

If a winner thanks the Academy: 1 drink
If a winner thanks God: 2 drinks
If a winner thanks God, but not the Academy: 3 drinks, cause that shit is just rude, too.  

If someone mentions anything vaguely political: 1 drink
If someone mentions something vaguely political, and they cut to a reaction shot of an African-American, because somehow it's related (did you know we have a Black president now???): 2 drinks
If someone happens to mention something pro-gay marriage: toast them, and have 3 drinks.  

Of, if you just want to get totally blitzed, start drinking once a winner is announced, and do not stop until they reach the mic.  You will not make it through the awards for the short films without slipping into a coma.  Seriously, they may as well stick those people on the Mezzanine and just throw their Oscars up to them once they win.  

Friday, February 20, 2009

To The Guy In Front Of Me At The Annuals Concert Tonight...

Were you shitting your pants the entire time?

Seriously, I understand if you let a fart or two escape -- you may be thinking it won't smell, people won't notice, I can get away with it. But at some point during nearly every song tonight, you literally smelled like shit.
It was annoying enough that you kept leaving and coming back, leaving and coming back. Every time I was hoping you would be going to go relieve yourself, but then you'd come back, shove yourself past me with another drink for your friends, or a Corona for yourself. And then you'd start dancing, your greasy hair flopping around in front of my face, and sure enough, a silent and invisible odor would permeate behind you.

I know it was you. When you left for another beer mid-fart, the stench trailed behind you, wafting into the nostrils of everyone you passed. I was not the only one that smelled it.

Perhaps you have a medical condition? Did you need to change your man diapers? Maybe your long intestine is diseased? Anal leakage? I'd rather not ponder the malfunctions of your lower GI, but lord knows I could not pay attention to the concert. And it was my favorite band, asshole.

So please, for the sake of the poor, unsuspecting schmuck who happens to stand behind you at your next concert, or at the store, or who shares a car with you, don't forget to take regular dumps. Maybe treat yourself to a colonic. I hear they are very refreshing. 

I am just glad this photo of you is not scratch-and-sniff.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Have You Ever Wanted To See a 7-Year-Old Tripping Balls?

This is David, after the dentist: