Pipe Dreams of Tomorrow

I love the start of a new year. Just because a digit changes in the date, we are presented with an annual opportunity to take a breath and begin anew. It is a time when you can be unabashedly hopeful and not feel like a deluded fool. So, knowing that, here is what I hope 2009 has in store:

• Wasps decide not to build big hives in the awnings of my apartment building.
• Former Pastor Tedd Haggard comes out of the closet, divorces his wife, and becomes a forceful yet humble spokesgay for the LGBT community.
• Transformers 2 fails at the box office.
• The U.S. develops a power chemical weapon that causes selective memory loss. Said weapon is used in Pakistan, India, Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Somalia and Zimbabwe, making everyone forget why they hate each other.
• Sham-Wow commercials suddenly cease appearing on television.
• The oil companies apologize for constantly messing with the price of crude and offer to pay for a massive high speed passenger rail system from coast to coast.
• Uwe Boll decides to take up a career as a dental assistant.
• Obama does not disappoint anyone.
• A Fazoli's restaurant opens near my apartment.

I am not going to hold my breath.